I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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