I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You're like the curious george of whores
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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