Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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