i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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