I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
