Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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