Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
