So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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