Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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