My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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