I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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