Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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