I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish I only lived at night.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
