you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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