It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
