I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
