If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
