god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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