Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
