At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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