I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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