I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just pee around me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
