I am in a vortex of obligation.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
