he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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