Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
