he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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