I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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