we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
