Don't make out with my wife yet
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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