So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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