The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
