Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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