Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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