She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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