How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
