and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
