Please, let me fuck your mom
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
