I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
