I wanna passion pit in your ass
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
