do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
