Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
