Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
