So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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