She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
