Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
