I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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