He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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