apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
