We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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