does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
