false alarm. still invincible.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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