Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
